I was once an actor

Jo is at home this week on vacation and it only means one thing, house maintenance work. When we purchased the house we live in, it was fairly new and just recently painted so there was very little to do.

Now 5 years later, there has to be maintenance. They say keep your house in good shape, you never know when it’s time to sell. I am not sure exactly who said it but it makes sense.

One of the first things to do was to replace the front steps; I think the builder had a deal on cheap wood. Like most of the neighbours’ ours is rotten. We hired two guys to replace them about a month ago, now we have to finish and paint the veranda.

If anyone is interested there is a real opportunity here, replacing front step. I’d say there are 2000 homes easily. They are all different though.

We started making a list of things to do some time ago and it is growing daily. Do you see a problem? If you have been following my musings you know I am a couch potato, which does not mix well with chores.

My thing is to hire people to do the fixings.

 Just last weekend we had a leak in the dishwasher, so we pulled it apart and found the water hose had a gash in it. My first reaction was to call the place where we purchased it and to sue the plumber who installed it for incompetence. Jo reminded me that we installed it. See what I mean? We fixed it for $14, saved a couple hundred bucks. Oh well.

Jo likes to do things and she is pretty good so I go along, plus I don’t have a job. The house we owned in Toronto was over 50 years old when we sold it. We learned a few things. It’s the time that bothers me.

Now I know why great artistic people go off and hide. Haha, I can dream.

The first job this week is the veranda and the steps. The veranda is painted green and Jo wants to paint it white and we have to strip the many layers of paint first. To do that we have to use chemicals which I am totally not in favour of; I needed a good enough argument to convince Jo to forgo the stripping which is also an all day job. I went to my thinking place.

 I devised a plan while I was relaxing on the couch on Sunday.

Me, “Jo, I think we should paint the veranda green, no need to change the colour”.

Jo, “I was thinking about it also while you were relaxing on your couch and I was cleaning the kitchen floor and I agree with you”.

Wow that was easy. No paint stripping, more time for the couch.

Me, “so since there is no need to strip the paint with that chemical, we can return it”

Jo, “oh i see where you are going with this, stripping the paint and painting the veranda are two separate tasks on the list, not related, first we strip the paint”.

Hmmm now what do I say? I should have looked at the list first. I hope it rains. I need another plan.

Monday morning and Jo gets up early, puts her coverall on and started ‘laying’ on the chemical.

You may remember a few weeks ago I mentioned that Jo is a really GOOD handy person and I am a GREAT assistant. I didn’t think she read it. I had sneaked onto the laptop and pressed the ‘like’ button on the story.

I got up, got dressed made a quick breakfast then reported to the work site. Jo immediately started telling me to do things.

‘get the broom’

‘get the tape’

‘get the hose’

‘get a rubber band and tie my hair back’

A little strange I thought. She was not even smiling, but I kept doing what she asked, after all she is doing the hard work. Then she said;

‘Make me some coffee’

Aha, she never asks me to make coffee. I drink coffee but I don’t like the taste of it, so I would not know how to make a good cup. Busted; I went to the kitchen, turned on the radio and sat and listened for half an hour, I went on strike.

When I returned to the job site, she confessed that she was messing with me. I get it, for now.

We worked for another 4 hours trying to strip the paint, I helped a lot, while I chatted with a neighbour, then it started to rain and hail, some really nasty weather.

Jo went off for a nap so I did what I do best, headed for my couch.

 I began to reflect on my teenage years.

 In the fourth form in Grammar school I found myself as part of the cast of the high school annual play. I don’t think I volunteered so how I ended up participating is a mystery.

Anyway that year the play was Julius Caesar. I was recruited to be a sentry to protect the castle. How hard can that be, eh.

At first I thought my job was to just stand there and be cute, I’m good at that, with my sentry hat and a pretend sword. Then I found out that I had to fight with the sword. Ok, I can do that.

A couple days before the play we had to go for a rehearsal. One of the ‘actors’ was unable to perform his part so I was given his role. I was first to get to rehearsal; I always believe you get points for being early. Not this time.

Now in addition to being a Sentry I had to be the Messenger and actually open my mouth on stage.

If you read my earlier posts you may recall;

 I am an introvert;

 As a teenager I stuttered badly;

And would be totally out of my element having to speak aloud in front of people.

I recall having a single line that went something like this (I looked it up):

“Prepare you generals, the enemy comes on in gallant show; the bloody sign of battle is hung out, and something to be done immediately

Now who talks like that? I am from Trafalgar Village where we founded the great art of using the ‘f’ word in slang, can be quite poetic on the right lips.

Ok so what do I have to lose?

I repeated the line over and over until I thought I had it right. Then some more times.

Next day, show time and it’s my turn to deliver.

Of course I could not remember the line. What happens when you are stressed? I’ll tell you what happens, your instincts show up on cue. I am from Trafalgar Village.

All I remember is the audience in uncontrollable laughter;

I must have done really well.

EXCEPT THE LINE IS NOT FUNNY.

Later a friend told me what I said, I won’t repeat it here but it contained a couple of poetic ‘f’ words and I urged the generals not to fight like cowards.

In my next scene, as a sentry protecting the castle, I tripped and fell as I entered the stage, my opponent touched me on the head with his sword to show capture; of course as I said I am from The Village, we don’t go down that easily, so I attempted to get up; I was supposed to be dead so he nudged me on the head again, this time he whispered to me to stay down.

Of course another round of laughter;

I was a star.

Suffice to say it was my last acting role.

I was once an actor.

The weather sucks again today, couch time.

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